People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants plan Washington D.C. protest

April 19, 2013

Saying they refuse to be silenced any longer, People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants is planning a Fourth of July march on Washington, D.C.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants, or PETP, wants to promote its message that slaughtering plants for the purpose of eating them is selfish, cruel and murder.

“Plants have feelings also, and someday we expect agriculturalists and horticulturalists to finally discover this,” said Jake Rivers, who heads the organization.

Rivers is organizing the march on Washington to protest against consumption of onions, radishes, carrots, potatoes and any other fruits or vegetables where the plant must be pulled from the ground.

“People talk all the time about cows, pigs, fish, chickens and other animals slaughtered for consumption, but what about the plants? I mean, what right do we have as human beings to decide that a potato or onion no longer has the right to life?”

All members of PETP are already vegans, meaning they consume no animal products. Rivers admits that swearing off many plant products (he refuses to eat any wheat products, since the plant must be pulled up from the ground) leaves very few food choices. He lives mostly on dietary supplements and fruit juices.

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Chicago White Sox announce name change, to be known as ‘Chicago Sox’

April 10, 2013

Saying they have decided to shed an archaic name and move forward into the future, the Chicago White Sox announced they have successfully petitioned Major League Baseball for a name change.

Effective in the 2014 MLB season, the Chicago White Sox will drop the “White” and will become known as the Chicago Sox.

current white sox logo

The current Chicago White Sox logo. As you can tell, it has very little “white” in it.

“For us, ‘White Sox’ is an outdated nickname since we no longer wear white socks,” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf. “It has been many decades since we last wore white stirrups, and we feel it’s time for a name that is more indicative of who we are now.”

Players today generally wear their pants down to their shoes with no socks showing. The White Sox’ uniform is designed where the socks underneath are black.

The White Sox’ current team colors are black, silver and white. In the past they have worn different shades of blue along with red. Their current logo, which adorns their caps and their home jerseys, is the word Sox in diagonal Old English script. They last wore white socks back in the 1970s when they wore throwback uniforms designed to emulate late 19th century/early 20th century baseball.

76Jammies

The last time the White Sox actually wore white sox…

 

1917 white sox logo

 

This was the White Sox logo back in the days of Eddie Cicotte and “Shoeless” Joe Jackson.

The team has long had the “Sox” logo in various forms. In 1919, for example, it was the letter S with an “O” on the top loop and an “X” in the bottom loop. Back in the 1970s and early 1980s, it was the a horizontal SOX log on their cap and then on their jerseys.

Most Chicago White Sox fans say that as long as they defeat north side rival Chicago Cubs, they will be happy with the name change.

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California asks celebrities to ‘rent’ spouses instead of marrying and divorcing

February 13, 2013

Due to court dockets being overwhelmed in California due to constant celebrity divorces, the Golden State is considering altering its marital laws to make it easier for actors and actresses, musicians, socialites and other members of the rich and famous to exit a marriage.

Under new legislation being considered, for an additional filing fee and an exit fee, wealthy Californians will be allowed to “rent” a relationship.

Instead of getting married to someone else, they and their partner will be allowed to rent each other for a specific amount of time.

“We are doing this because divorces are eating up too much of the courts’ times,” said J. Higgins Carillo, a former longtime divorce attorney and current spokesperson for the California Attorney General office. “We arrested one man for a triple homicide in Los Angeles in 1984, and his case is just now getting to court due to all the countless divorces: Demi Moore, Katy Perry, Reese Witherspoon and, yes, the Kardashians.”

Carillo said the rental law would also apply to gay marriage, especially if any gay married couples are marrying for convenience or aren’t sure if the relationship will last. “Why should heterosexuals be the only ones allowed to rent?” he asked.

Rental options being considered are as follows:

The Kardashian Lease: For any famous-for-being-famous celebrity who wishes to salvage their short, unremarkable reality tv show career through a short-term rental. One month up to one year are available.

kardashian_sisters

The Kardashian sisters. Ponderings From Pluto has no idea how many marriages or divorces they’ve had.

The Kutcher Lease: For young celebrities who are still trying to reach A-list status and wish to do so by spending five years renting a famous, more established celebrity. This type of option is certain to have a butterfly effect.

ashton kutcher

Ashton Kutcher used to be Mr. Demi Moore.

The Twain Rental: For any celebrity who wishes to further their career by recovering from an unceremonious end of a relationship where the celebrity’s spouse sleeps with the celebrity’s best friend; the celebrity would then no longer want to stand by her man, since any man of hers would never do such a thing. Available in five, 10 and 15-year rentals.

Carillo expects this to be commonly used in the country music world and says the law may even be altered to be used in Tennessee.

The Landon Lease: For any celebrity who wishes to further their career with a family-friendly image, which requires a long-term relationship. Ten, 20 and 30-year rentals are available.

landon

Michael Landon, who made many family-friendly programs, also was married three times and divorced twice.

Carillo says if the new laws are approved, they could become available by 2014.

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IAU demotes Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune from planetary status

December 9, 2012

Due to a shocking new rule defining what is and what isn’t a planet, the International Astronomical Union voted overwhelmingly to strip Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune of their planetary statuses.

gas giants

Goodbye, “Gas-oids”

Besides orbiting the sun, being spherical or near spherical and “clearing out the neighborhood around its orbit”, the IAU has added this fourth definition of what constitutes a planet:

Must be terrestrial.

Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars would qualify since all have solid surfaces where spacecraft can land and where people could walk (they, of course, would need space suits to walk on the planets outside of earth).

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune, however, do not qualify.

Underneath their thick cloud covers, both Jupiter and Saturn are believed to be oceans of liquid hydrogen, atop another ocean of metallic liquid hydrogen and then a rocky core. And under the cloudy covers of both Uranus and Neptune are believed to be first an ocean of liquid hydrogen and liquid helium and then, second, an ocean of water and ammonia and, third, a rocky core.

“Even if future spacecraft could be built to withstand the intense atmospheric pressure of the four gas giants, they would still not be able to land on any of the four planets, since each–save for their rocky cores–is an ocean of either hydrogen or both hydrogen and helium,” said the IAU in a statement. “Therefore, because the only thing suitable for the gas giants would be a spacecraft that could convert into a sea-worthy ship or into a submarine, none of the gas giants are terrestrial and, therefore, are not planets.”

Instead, the IAU suggests the four be called “gas-oids” to distinguish them from true planets.

Another note is that since both Jupiter and Neptune “share” their orbit around the sun with “Trojan Asteroids”, technically they do not clear their own paths and, therefore, each is no more a planet that Pluto is.

Or, was.

trojan asteroids

The Trojan Asteroids are the thick pink splotches in Jupiter’s orbit and are the light-blue cluster in Neptune’s orbit, center left on the image.

Nobody on Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus or Neptune could be reached for comment.

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Extraterrestrial aliens tell astronomers: QUIT looking for us!

December 5, 2012

72933-Voyager-Golden-Record

You might remember how, in 1977, both Voyager space probes launched from earth contained the above gold-covered copper plates. The plates contained greetings in various earth languages and served as some sort of time capsule. Assuming someone finds it in the distant future (that likelihood is comparable to Justin Bieber relaunching his career as a rock-and-roll frontman whose career eventually results in enshrinement in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame), those who find it will learn about earth culture and where earth is in the galaxy.

Ostensibly, the records were sent out in an effort to find extraterrestrial life.

And now, they appear to have hit paydirt.

Unfortunately, the response seems to be: “QUIT searching for us!”

Astronomers recently received a message from an extraterrestrial civilization that is based out of the Andromeda Galaxy. (That galaxy is about 2.5 million light years away, far beyond the reaches of where the Voyagers currently are, but the aliens have declined to say how they still found the Voyager probes).

Here is the extraterrestrials’ message to earth:

“People from earth: do not bother responding to this message. This will be a one-time message. Any further response from you will be neither acknowledged nor answered.

“Yes, yes, yes, there is extraterrestrial life in the universe. LOTS of it. Earth is but an uncivilized civilization in comparison. We are well-read, civilized intellectuals while you are all slimy, amoebas.

“For a while we have listened to your transmissions, and what we have seen and heard has convinced us it is not in our best interests to interact with you.

“Your famous musician, Frank Zappa, once said in an intercepted interview that stupidity, NOT hydrogen, is the most abundant substance in the universe. This is absolutely true of earth and is indicative of why we wish no contact with you. We view your stupidity as a virus that would only contaminate us.

 frank zappa

Frank Zappa, 1940-1993

“Still, in honor of Zappa’s astute analysis, we are planning on naming a soon-to-be-formed galaxy in his honor and memory. The stars in that galaxy will bear the names of his children and his songs and the planets will bear the names of his lyrics.

“So, again, leave us alone and QUIT trying to find us.

“Very disrespectfully, an extraterrestrial race from the Andromeda Galaxy.”

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Actor Henry Winkler arrested in ‘Fonzie Scheme’

December 5, 2012

The FBI has arrested actor/director/producer Henry Winkler, best known for his role as leather jacketed-rebel Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli on the popular Seventies sitcom Happy Days on charges he defrauded investors of up to $150 million in a Ponzie Scheme.

However, due to the name of Winkler’s most famous character, those who invested in Winkler and lost their life savings are angrily and contemptuously referring to it as a “Fonzie Scheme”.

fonzie

Henry Winkler is accused of a “Fonzie Scheme”

“I lost EVERYTHING!” said Sarah Jameson, who spent 30 years as an English teacher in Vermont and had planned to use her savings to retire in Phoenix. “I worked so hard for decades, and now I have to start all over again!”

Jameson said she was a big fan of the “Fonzie” character on TV but laments her carelessness in investing in Winkler’s plan to triple her life savings. She said seeing him recently on TV in commercials for reverse mortgages had given her the peace of mind to believe her money would be safe.

According to the FBI, Winkler has actually had financial problems since the turn of the millennium and had been turning in desperation to Fonzie Schemes to make himself look financially solvent.

“Winkler’s life was in making movies and producing television shows, and a string of money-losing ventures and bad investments left him drained financially,” said an FBI spokesman who spoke to Ponderings From Pluto on the condition of anonymity. “He wanted people to continue to think things were still cool.”

One FBI report says that things got so bad for Winkler that he had to sell his office and had been using his private bathroom at home as a makeshift office.

If found guilty of the charges, Winkler faces 84 years in prison, full restitution and a $500,000 fine.

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U.S. Army to consider new enlisted rank–Private Major

November 27, 2012

Seeing a need for adequate leadership and representation among the junior enlisted soldiers, the U.S. Army is considering adopting a new enlisted rank.

Private Major.

“The U.S. Army feels that the junior enlisted need to have a way to address their issues and concerns, along with leadership to encourage more to re-enlist and to even consider the Army a career,” said Command Sergeant Major Larry Gillman.

Specifically, the Army is considering two ranks of private major:

Command Private Major (CPM) — In charge of all junior enlisted on a particular base (Fort Sill, Okla.) or, given the circumstances, a particular unit (First Cavalry Division).

Private Major of the Army (PMA) — The highest-ranking junior enlisted soldier in the Army. He or she would outrank all CPMs. The PMA would be stationed at U.S. Army headquarters in Washington, D.C. and would travel around consulting with CPMs regarding Army policy.

Gillman added that the private majors’ rank would be an E-3, although the PMA is being considered to have an E-4 ranking. Maximum time in service allowed for private major is six months. Following service, the privates major would then be promoted to E-5 sergeant.

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