Officials are working on a resolution, but it has nothing to do with asking the colonel to step down from power. Instead, they are trying to decide one critical issue.

How the heck should his surname be spelled?

In Arabic, the colonel’s surname is rendered this way:

القذافي

The above is pronounced “Al-Gadhafi”.

Or Al-Qaddaffee, or El-Khadhafhi, or Al-Kadddafffeee.

“Because Arabic has so many dialects and so many ways of pronouncing the same letter, we are working hard around the clock to properly determine how to spell Colonel Gadhafi’s surname,” said U.N. secretary general Kofi Annan in an exclusive interview with Ponderings From Pluto. “We are trying to agree on a single, romanized universal spelling to help out the newspapers, websites and bloggers out there. Some say Gadhafi, others Qaddafi, some say Khaddaffee.”

Some say tomayto, others say tomahto.

Annan instead referred non-Arab-speakers to this chart:

PFP tried to reach Gadhafi for comment but encountered two problems: PFP correspondent C.F. Twob does not speak Arabic and has no idea whether Gadhafi is still alive or if what is seen on the news is mummified version of him.

The U.N. hopes to reach an agreement on the colonel’s name by the end of the week.

Post comments here or e-mail them to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

Some day Chi-dane-dane while others suggest Great Mexican.

Love at first sight.

Besides the name the question is: how?

“It took a lot of trial and error,” said Marty Samson, a canine researcher with the University of South Texas. “At first, we tried having a Great Dane impregnate a Chihuahua, but that didn’t work: the puppies’ heads were bigger than the Chihuahua mother. We tried to deliver the puppies through Caesarian section four weeks early, but they were not viable enough to survive on their own.”

Neither the Great Mexicans/Chi-dane-danes nor their Chihuahua mother survived, leading Samson to conclude the only way to breed the dogs was to have a male Chihuahua mate with a female Great Dane.

Samson’s team had to erect a ladder for the male to climb since, even with the female Great Dane laying on the ground, his climbing on top of her was similar to an adult man having to climb a small structure.

“The male dog had a very difficult time, especially with the female Great Dane barking and looking at him as if not really sure of why he was trying to, um, mate with her,” Samson said. “We had to finally give her anesthesia which helped her relax and greatly lowered her inhibitions. She probably thought of it as a drunk, one-night stand.”

The female Great Dane then was pregnant and carried four puppies to term.

The puppies then had to be fed with a bottle since, once they were delivered, their mother did not know what to think of them. Some had problems opening their mouths wide enough to suckle from the teats.

Thankfully, the litter was two boys and two girls, and they will then breed with each other to see if they can then create a new breed.

The Chi-dane-danes/Great Mexicans have the large heads of the Great Danes but are roughly twice the size of a Chihuahua. This is good, since having the head of the big breed and the body of a smaller breed would cause serious equilibrium issues.

What will these dogs be used for? Show dogs? Guard dogs? Crime-solving dogs with large appetites exclusively for Taco Bell food? It’s hard to say.

Post comments here or e-mail ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

Red ribbons for AIDS awareness.

Pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness.

Blue ribbons for prostate and colon cancer awareness.

There have also been rubber wristbands for autism, ADHD, cancer, domestic violence and other things to be aware about.

Years ago on his talk show, Rush Limbaugh even facetiously promoted a marbled green ribbon, fashioned after what looked like U.S. currency, to promote Federal Deficit Awareness.

And now in Indianapolis and in the rest of Indiana, Indianapolis Colts fans will soon be able to wear royal blue-and-white ribbons and rubber wristbands to promote a new form of awareness.

Peyton Manning Slump Awareness.

The quarterback, considered one of the most intelligent to ever play the game due to his bizarre audible calls that only his offensive line seems to understand and due to his penchant for doing recreational calculus on the sidelines when the Colts are comfortably in the lead, has been mired in a slump. In a recent game against the Dallas Cowboys, he threw four interceptions. The last one set up Dallas’ game-winning field goal in overtime. He also threw four interceptions the week before against the San Diego Chargers and three against the hated New England Patriots. He has thrown 11 interceptions in his last three games after having thrown just two in his first seven. The Colts are 6-6 on the season.

Peyton Manning is playing so poorly, some might start confusing him with “Cryin’” Ryan Leaf.

“We are doing this as a way to help Peyton get out of his slump and to get the Colts back on the winning track,” said Jimmy Sanderson, an Indiana businessman who is financing the $25,000 venture to produce the ribbons and bands. “We want our old Peyton back, particularly from the year he and the Colts won the Super Bowl.”

The ribbons will, of course, be shaped like the Colts’ horseshoe logo.

The wristbands will be blue emblazoned with white horseshoes and alternating with Manning’s jersey number, 18.

Manning spoke to Ponderings From Pluto correspondent C.F. Twob and said he was “touched” by the gesture and even plans to have Sanderson manufacture him some special wristbands to further promote the awareness.

“It’s great to know the fans have my back and aren’t booing me or calling on me to be benched or traded,” Manning said. “I hope this slump ends soon–especially with the off-season contract negotiations I’m facing.”

Sanderson added that once the manufacturing costs are paid, all proceeds from the Manning Slump Awareness campaign will to the quarterback’s favorite charities.

At Ponderings From Pluto, we suspect that Jerry Jones would love to hire this man as the Dallas Cowboys’ new head coach.

Well, fellow Dallas Cowboy fans, we can stick a fork into this season of the Cowboys. With Wade Phillips finally being shown the door, we have Jason Garrett as the interim coach. Is he a permanent solution? It will depend on how the team does the rest of the season. My guess is Garrett will become so stressed he’ll turn into a 10-pack a day chain smoker. Unfiltered, of course.

Ponderings From Pluto suspects that not only is Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones looking for a new head coach, he probably has already made some calls…

If so, you’ll receive your answer when FOX in 2011 unleashes its newest reality show Yesterday’s Stars.

This program will feature Miss Cleo and Clay, along with Marc Price (“Skippy” on Family Ties) and Peter Scolari (Bosom Buddies and then Newhart) as they cope with the reality that they are not even D-List famous anymore and that it’s time to stick a fork in their entertainment careers, return home and get nine-to-five jobs.

Miss Cleo, born Youree Dell Harris in California, passed herself off as a Caribbean shaman before she was proven to be a fraud.

Youree Harris, a.k.a., “Miss Cleo”, in happier times when she didn’t care that her left earring was missing.

Clay, who famously sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row as a successful, raunchy comedian, has been rumored to be managing gyms.

CAUTION: extreme profanity

Scolari co-starred on Bosom Buddies with Tom Hanks, but unlike Hanks, Scolari’s career never seemed to take off.

One unconfirmed report said he was working the drive-thru at a Los Angeles-area In-and-Out fast food restaurant. As for Price, he had been doing community theater after several futile attempts at a guest spot on Spin City when Family Ties alumnus Michael J. Fox was on the show.

According to executive producer Simon Cowell, the format of Yesterday’s Stars will include:

* An intervention in which the celebrity must come to grips with not being famous or wealthy anymore

* Classes on balancing your checkbook, buying your own groceries and paying for your own meals at restaurants

* What to do when you no longer can afford an entourage or even to hire one single personal assistant

* Developing interpersonal skills necessary for negotiating with telephone and utility companies when your bills are past due and they threaten to disconnect your service, or when you have to talk to your landlord or landlady and explain to them your rent will be late

* Shopping at Walmart, Costco and even at Dollar Tree and, if necessary, rummage sales and Goodwill

* Handling anxiety attacks when nobody recognizes you anymore.

“It was pretty humiliating the first week,” Scolari recalled, joking that he hopes this show will, ironically, give his career a boost. “This is my last resort: I had wanted to be cast as Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds since Tarantino is famous for jump-starting acting careers, but he told me I wasn’t right for that part, or for the part of Aldo Raines, Dieter Hellstrom, the part Austin Powers [Mike Myers] got, the part of Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler or even of Shoshanna.”

Shoshanna Dreyfus, the French Jewess who passes herself off as Gentile Frenchwoman Emanuelle Mimieux?

“Yep,” Scolari replied. “I had plenty of experience as a man passing himself off as a woman on Bosom Buddies, so I thought it would work.”

Ponderings From Pluto’sC.F. Twob reported that the intervention scene with Andrew Dice Clay (real name: Andrew Silverstein) was particularly ugly since Clay still insists he’s never set foot inside a Gold’s Gym, much less managed one.

Do you plan to watch Yesterday’s Stars? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

The Gospel According to Oprah.“It just came to me one day as I was in the South Pacific trying to choose an island to buy,” Oprah said in an interview with Ponderings From Pluto correspondent C.F. Twob. “As I was traveling, I felt divine inspiration coming over me. I suppose that is also what Matthew, Mark, Luke and John felt. And then I saw visions of Jesus announcing that everybody listening to His Sermon on the Mount would be given brand-new chariots. I imagined him also feeding the thousands with fish prepared by His own personal chef and handing out his Favorite Things to the needy.”

Only the select, chosen few books go into Oprah’s Book Club, the Medal of Honor of the literary world.

Oprah went to a nearby outdoor café and sat down and wrote her account of Jesus’ time on earth. She estimated it took about two hours to write.

Winfrey feels her “gospel” would help to enhance the other Gospels by properly depicting Jesus as a politically-active pious man instead of just a man who came to earth, was born of a virgin, worked as a humble carpenter, performed miracles, taught disciples, healed the sick, raised the dead, fed the hungry, was wrongly crucified, died for the sins of all mankind, then was buried, rose again and returned back to heaven after giving His disciples instructions on how to run the early church.

Did she have any help writing this book?

“No! Of course not!” she replied. “It all came to me in a single draft. I did not receive any help from Stedman or from by best friend, Gayle. It was all written by me, and as is the case when you’re writing under divine inspiration, the first draft was absolutely perfect.”

Among the exclusive excerpts Ponderings From Pluto has obtained:

Oprah 1:15: “And I, Oprah, do speak of the wonderful words the Lord Jesus Christ has given me and do diligently write them down.”

There has been speculation that Oprah will have her gospel available in five primary English versions: King James Version-style, New King James Version-style, New International Version-style, New American Standard Version-style and the New Ebonics Version-style.

Oprah will make The Gospel According to Oprah available for free to her November 21 audience, and it will soon be available for sale through her website. People can either purchase leather-bound editions, hard cover or paperless computer downloads. She also plans, by Spring 2011, to have an Oprah Study Bible available where her gospel would be included among the other 66 books of the Bible. And, yes, it will also be one of the items available in her 2011 Oprah’s Favorite Things collection.

What plans does she have for the original manuscript?

“I wrote this book on legal notepads using a $175 Waterman fountain pen,” she said. “The manuscript itself is locked in a private vault inside one of my 84 mansions.”

There has been no word yet from Protestant or Catholic leaders on whether they will accept Oprah’s gospel into the Biblical cannon. Pope Benedict XVI is said to be very doubtful, as is Joel Osteen. Pat Robertson revealed on The 700 Club that the Lord told him Chicago (Oprah’s adopted hometown) would suffer some sort of terrible natural disaster because of Oprah’s blasphemy.

Noted religious skeptic Bill Maher was skeptical of Oprah.

“I suppose next she’ll claim to be god and will want all her mindless followers to worship her,” he scoffed. “Even Jerry Falwell didn’t stoop to such stupidity.”

Do you plan to read The Gospel According to Oprah? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

The book deals with Bush’s eight years as president as well as his earlier years growing up in West Texas and attending college at Yale University.

Bush declined PFP correspondent C.F. Twob’s request for an interview, saying he will soon be traveling around the country promoting his book and that he prefers his cell phone number to remain completely private. Bush did not respond to Twob’s request to do a phone interview from a phone booth.

Among the more interesting excerpts of Decision Points:

* During his sophomore year at Yale University, Bush’s ”C” average prompted his parents, George H.W. and Barbara Bush, to consider having him transfer from Yale to Bee County College (now Coastal Bend College), a junior college near Beeville, Texas, in an effort to take easy classes and get his grades up to the upper-B range. Bush remembered his Dad prophetically joking with him: ”You can’t expect to be President of the United States someday with a ‘C’ average!”  

* Bush’s favorite comedian is Frank Caliendo, and Bush once laughed so hard at Caliendo’s Bush impersonation that former First Lady Laura Bush was worried her husband would develop a hernia;

* He often referred to Al Gore as “Al Snore” and called Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth documentary the perfect cure for insomnia;

* To better develop his accent, Bush spent five years as a teenager and young adult shedding his Connecticut accent and developing his West Texas twang;

* Last year, Bush secretly invited longtime Oprah Winfrey boyfriend Stedman Graham to his Crawford, Texas ranch. Graham confided in Bush and he (Stedman) and Oprah had a huge fight in 2007 when he admitted to her his darkest secret–that he voted for President Bush. Twice.

* Concerned about the health of vice president Dick Cheney, Bush unsuccessfully tried to recruit Chuck Norris to be his running mate in the 2004 elections. Norris also declined Bush’s request to run for president in 2008;

* He and Laura discovered in 2006 that the columns of frequent Bush critic Molly Ivins and copies of The New York Times made the most effective housebreaking tools for their dogs.

Post comments here or e-mail them at ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

Obama, sources tell Ponderings From Pluto, has quietly told Vice President Joe Biden that if Biden wants to be on Obama’s 2012 re-election ticket, he will have to change his party affiliation from Democrat to Republican.

Would the GOP be glad to have Biden?

The sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, added that Obama has greatly been perturbed by Biden’s public gaffes, including the latest saying in an interview that the GOP has spent $200 billion on campaigns to help Republicans win upcoming races and re-take the House and Senate.

We suspect he meant to say $200 million and apparently has been watching the Austin Powers movies where Dr. Evil holds the world hostage for a laughably-small ransom and then travels back in time and holds the world hostage for a laughably-large ransom.

In the past, among his many gaffes, Biden has also disclosed a top-secret location of the vice presidential bunker, suggested Americans suspend all airplane travel during the Swine Flu scare, taken credit for the successes the Iraq and Afghanistan surges after insisting in the campaign that both had been complete failures, asked a wheelchair-bound man to stand up, dropped F-bombs loud and clear in live microphones and claimed to have invented wireless internet service.

There have also been rumors that First Lady Michelle Obama refused to talk to Biden for several weeks after he joked to her that she should grow cotton in her White House garden.

“The way I see it, if Joe is going to continue to be ‘Crazy Joe’ and say and do bizarre things, I should minimize my losses and have him become a Republican,” President Obama said at a recent press conference. “This is the only way I would consider asking him to run again with me in 2012.”

Why keep Biden on the ticket if he says so many embarrassing things?

“Because he’s funny,” the president replied. “This job is far tougher than I’d imagined, and everyday I wonder what I got myself into, but Joe often brings me greatly-needed comic relief. And his gaffes take all the focus off my gaffes.”

Biden has said if he converts to the GOP, he will be a “Blue Dog Republican”.

Many conservatives wonder why the media continue giving a free pass to Biden, arguing that the media should apologize for its magnification of former vice president Dan Quayle’s gaffes.

Fred Phelps, who pastors Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., now believes God’s judgment for America doesn’t only apply to current service members being killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, but also to past wars.

Some refer to Phelps’ church as Watercloset “Baptist Church”, arguing it is neither Baptist nor a church.

Phelps, 97 years old and the father of 17 children, explained that God in His foreknowledge knew that homosexuals like Roy Harold Scherer, Jr. would eventually serve in World War II, so as punishment He allowed thousands of service members to not only die during Japan’s Kamikaze attack on Pearl Harbor, but He also prevented the U.S. Navy from thwarting it.

Scherer, who served as an aircraft mechanic in the Navy, would later become an actor better known as Rock Hudson. He eventually was outed as a homosexual and died of AIDS in 1985.

“I also believe that the reason so many Union soldiers died during the Civil War was because Walt Whitman, an openly gay queer, served as a nurse in the war when he wasn’t writing sissy poems,” Phelps added. “What kind of a stupid name is Leaves of Grass, anyway? It don’t even make any sense! And I’m sure that there were even a few faggots who slipped through the Puritan cracks during the Colonial times, and that’s why Americans died during the Revolutionary War.”

The Westboro pastor added that Korean and Vietnam War service members also probably died due to the public’s tolerance of flamboyant pianist Liberace–even though Liberace (who died of AIDS in 1987) never publicly acknowledged his homosexuality and had even successfully sued a tabloid for claiming he was gay. Phelps referred to Liberace as a “sissy pianist”.

In part, Alonso writes: “Being born in Cuba, a country where freedom of speech is non-existent, it’s startling to observe how Venezuela, where I was happily raised, is fast becoming Cuba’s mirror image: Dismantling of fundamental democratic rights deserved by its people and citizens of the world.”

Ponderings From Pluto has obtained a copy of the letter Penn wrote to Alonso. In it, he shows how much a statesman he is.

Ms. Conchita Alonso:

Go [expletive] yourself, you [expletive], President Bush-loving [expletive]!

With my sincerest disrespectfulness,

Sean Penn

Alonso said Penn’s response is “pretty much” what she expected and confirms he has indeed been brainwashed by Castro and Chavez.

Do you think Maria Conchita Alonso’s open letter to Sean Penn was a good idea? Was Penn’s response justified, or does he need anger management classes? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.