Budweiser buys up all the commercials for the Super Bowl

Super Bowl XLII (42 for those of you who hate the Roman empire and think Caligula was one of the worst movies ever made) will take place February 3 out near Phoenix, Ariz., between the Large People of The City Formerly Known as New Amsterdam and the Devout Soldiers of That Territory Formerly Known as the British Colonies. Anheuser Busch, which owns Budweiser, Bud Light, Bud Stupid, Bud Selig and Rosebud, has announced that it has purchased all the commercial time for the big show.

“I won’t rest until every American–newborn to senior citizen–has a bottle of Bud in their hand,” announced Anheuser Busch VII in a statement. “It is our goal and dream for each household to have at least one member who is in advanced stages of cirrhosis of the liver.”

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