KISS rockEr GEnE Simmons announcEs intEntions to tradEmark thE lEttEr ‘E’



KISS bassist Gene Simmons, the astute businessman who has helped to turn the legendary rock band into a merchandising juggernaut, has announced his latest business venture.

The Israeli-born Simmons, whose birth name is Chaim Witz, issued a press release stating he has successfully trademarked the letter “E”.

“From now on, whenever books, newspapers or Internet Websites use the letter E, they must now pay me a royalty fee of one cent per time,” Simmons said in the statement.

The rocker did say that he would grant an exemption for those who use the letter E in casual conversation, but politicians who use the fifth letter in the alphabet in political speeches must pay five cents per word.

Simmons, who was recently fired from Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, added: “I’ve merchandised everything imaginable with KISS, from crayons to coffins. I’ve gotten bored and needed a new way to make more money. So I thought, why not trademark the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet? This idea could indeed make me the world’s very first trillionaire.” (Simmons is estimated to be worth several hundreds of millions of dollars).

The rocker, who speaks fluent Hebrew, said he is even considering trademarking the Hebrew letter Aleph (א), which is the first letter of its alphabet.

What do Simmons’ family and friends think of his most recent venture? His longtime girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, had this to say: “If Gene weren’t so consumed with making money, maybe he’d finally get around to marrying me!”

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6 Responses to KISS rockEr GEnE Simmons announcEs intEntions to tradEmark thE lEttEr ‘E’

  1. Anonymous says:

    You’re an idiot…

    That’s the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever read…

  2. Anonymous says:

    This is a fictious blog. Gene Simmons has not and would not do such an idiotic thing.

    Ps I have trademarked the pressing of keys on a keyboard. You owe me !

  3. Anonymous says:

    you fuck with Gene then you fuck with me and I will cut your dick off and make you eat it. Gene is a sweet guy and works hard.

  4. Anonymous says:

    WTF you fing jackass! Who the hell do you think you are to write such bull shit, and then post it on the net!

  5. C.F. Twob says:

    To all those who posted comments on this particular blog posting, please read the comments in dark blue near the top of the page:

    “Disclaimer: All items posted here are strictly satirical in nature. Sometimes it’s to be funny and other times it’s to prove a point.”

    I’m sure Mr. Simmons is a nice guy, but, again, keep in mind, this is satire.

    Have a nice day.

  6. […] then this posting satirized KISS rocker Gene Simmons’ business savvy and reported (falsely, of […]

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