General Motors implements measures to cut budget

In an effort to try to avoid bankruptcy and further encourage a government bailout, General Motors has announced measures designed to decrease red ink and make the Big 3 automaker more financially deficit as it attempts to rebound from its financial woes.

“We feel these measures are crucial if this company is to ever regain respect in the automotive industry,” said CEO Rick Waggoner, who recently announced he was now getting paid one dollar per year in salary while encouraging upper-management executives to take pay cuts.

Among the cost-cutting measures:

* Riding bicycles to work for employees who don’t live far from where they work. “We feel this also helps to reduce their carbon footprint,” Waggoner said.

* Saving old copies of The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Flint Journal and Detroit Free Press to use as toilet paper. Waggoner said this will especially come in handy for the enormous Sunday editions. “Our employees in Detroit like the comics and puzzles in the Detroit News, so we scrapped using that one as toilet paper,” he said.

* Boosting productivity by eliminating bathroom breaks that require urination. Workers are instead encouraged to bring empty bottles to work and sanitary wipes.

* Working “under time”. That is, clocking out for the week after 39 hours are accrued–even if the job’s not done. “We’re asking our workers to put in some free time for the company. It’s tantamount to my working for a dollar a year,” Waggoner said.

Also, to save on energy costs, Waggoner is looking into installing barrels throughout each plant and putting firewood inside them to use as a way of cutting down on natural gas costs. He suggested they use for firewood ash trees cut down after being found infected by the Emerald Ash Borer.

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