Jerry Jones searches for a new Dallas Cowboys coach

November 18, 2010

 

At Ponderings From Pluto, we suspect that Jerry Jones would love to hire this man as the Dallas Cowboys’ new head coach.

Well, fellow Dallas Cowboy fans, we can stick a fork into this season of the Cowboys. With Wade Phillips finally being shown the door, we have Jason Garrett as the interim coach. Is he a permanent solution? It will depend on how the team does the rest of the season. My guess is Garrett will become so stressed he’ll turn into a 10-pack a day chain smoker. Unfiltered, of course.

Ponderings From Pluto suspects that not only is Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones looking for a new head coach, he probably has already made some calls…

Call Number One
 
Bill Cowher: Hello?
  
Jerry Jones: Bill? Jerry Jones here. How are you?
 
Cowher: Enjoying retirement.
 
Jones: Bill, what would it take for you to become the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys?

Cowher: Depends. Would you ever step down as general manager?

Jones: When pigs fly. Now, what I need to know is this: would I ever be able to hire a proven winner like you and keep my job as general manager?

Cowher: When pigs fly…

Call Number Two

Troy Aikman: Hello?

Jones: Troy? Jerry here. How are you?

Aikman: (confused) Jerry Who? Jerry Lewis?

Jones: When have you ever known Jerry Lewis to have an Arkansas drawl?

Aikman: Jerry Rice?

Jones: No, this isn’t Jerry Rice. Let me give you a hint: you used to play football for me.

Aikman: Oh! Now I remember! Long time no hear, Jimmy!

Jones: Jimmy?!

Aikman: Yeah! You’re Jimmy Johnson, right?

Jones: (exasperated) No, Troy, I’m Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. I was going to make you a great job offer, but I think I’ll pass now. Clearly, you’ve had one concussion too many.

[Click]

Rhonda Aikman, Troy’s wife: Honey, who was that on the phone?

Aikman: (laughs) It was my old boss, Jerry Jones. He was going to ask me if I wanted to coach the Dallas Cowboys, but I figured if I pretended to still suffer the side-effects of concussions, he’d quit pestering me. Someone’s going to have to pry the general manager position from his cold, dead hands before I’d even consider being Dallas’ head coach…

Call Number Three

Jon Gruden: Hello?

Jerry Jones: Hello, Jon. Jerry Jones here. How are you–?

Gruden: You’re offering me the head coaching job of the Cowboys, aren’t you?

Jones: Yes! I think you’d be a great fit.

Gruden: No.

Jones: You don’t want to coach the Cowboys?

Gruden: I’d love to coach the Cowboys, but right now, it’s not a good fit.

Jones: Why not?

Gruden: Because you’re the general manager.

Jones: What’s wrong with that?

Gruden: Jerry, I’ve already worked for one clueless, meddling owner in Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders. Once was enough for me…

So, finally, Jerry gets desperate and makes a “Hail Mary” call…

Call Number Four

Jimmy Johnson: Hello?

Jerry Jones: Jimmy! Jerry. How are you?

Johnson: Not bad. Just looking at a deal to endorse hair spray.

Jones: Listen, as you know, I had to fire Wade Phillips as head coach of the Cowboys.

Johnson: Since I work on Fox’s NFL show, I sort of knew that already.

Jones: Well, as I’ve been brainstorming, I was wondering if you would be interested in coaching the Dallas Cowboys again.

[Half an hour later, after Jimmy Johnson finally quits laughing, he wipes tears away and takes a deep breath]

Johnson: Jerry, you’ll never have another Super Bowl win until you fire yourself as general manager and hire a real GM and a real coach. Working once with you as the GM was more than enough for me…

So, finally, Jones calls up NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and asks this question: “Mr. Goodell, would the rules permit me to hire myself as the head coach?” 

Would you want to coach the Dallas Cowboys? Should Jerry Jones try to contact Tom Landry via a séance? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.
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FOX to debut new reality show in 2011: ‘Yesterday’s Stars’

November 16, 2010

Ever wonder how “yesterday’s stars” like Miss Cleo and Andrew Dice Clay cope with not being famous anymore and what it’s like when they realize their dream is over?

If so, you’ll receive your answer when FOX in 2011 unleashes its newest reality show Yesterday’s Stars.

This program will feature Miss Cleo and Clay, along with Marc Price (“Skippy” on Family Ties) and Peter Scolari (Bosom Buddies and then Newhart) as they cope with the reality that they are not even D-List famous anymore and that it’s time to stick a fork in their entertainment careers, return home and get nine-to-five jobs.

Miss Cleo, born Youree Dell Harris in California, passed herself off as a Caribbean shaman before she was proven to be a fraud.

Youree Harris, a.k.a., “Miss Cleo”, in happier times when she didn’t care that her left earring was missing.

Clay, who famously sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row as a successful, raunchy comedian, has been rumored to be managing gyms.

CAUTION: extreme profanity

Scolari co-starred on Bosom Buddies with Tom Hanks, but unlike Hanks, Scolari’s career never seemed to take off.

One unconfirmed report said he was working the drive-thru at a Los Angeles-area In-and-Out fast food restaurant. As for Price, he had been doing community theater after several futile attempts at a guest spot on Spin City when Family Ties alumnus Michael J. Fox was on the show.

According to executive producer Simon Cowell, the format of Yesterday’s Stars will include:

* An intervention in which the celebrity must come to grips with not being famous or wealthy anymore

* Classes on balancing your checkbook, buying your own groceries and paying for your own meals at restaurants

* What to do when you no longer can afford an entourage or even to hire one single personal assistant

* Developing interpersonal skills necessary for negotiating with telephone and utility companies when your bills are past due and they threaten to disconnect your service, or when you have to talk to your landlord or landlady and explain to them your rent will be late

* Shopping at Walmart, Costco and even at Dollar Tree and, if necessary, rummage sales and Goodwill

* Handling anxiety attacks when nobody recognizes you anymore.

“It was pretty humiliating the first week,” Scolari recalled, joking that he hopes this show will, ironically, give his career a boost. “This is my last resort: I had wanted to be cast as Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds since Tarantino is famous for jump-starting acting careers, but he told me I wasn’t right for that part, or for the part of Aldo Raines, Dieter Hellstrom, the part Austin Powers [Mike Myers] got, the part of Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler or even of Shoshanna.”

Shoshanna Dreyfus, the French Jewess who passes herself off as Gentile Frenchwoman Emanuelle Mimieux?

“Yep,” Scolari replied. “I had plenty of experience as a man passing himself off as a woman on Bosom Buddies, so I thought it would work.”

Ponderings From Pluto’sC.F. Twob reported that the intervention scene with Andrew Dice Clay (real name: Andrew Silverstein) was particularly ugly since Clay still insists he’s never set foot inside a Gold’s Gym, much less managed one.

Do you plan to watch Yesterday’s Stars? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.


The newest member of Oprah’s Book Club: ‘The Gospel According to Oprah’

November 11, 2010

Businesswoman and television personality Oprah Winfrey has inspired hundreds of millions of women with her book club as they’ve rediscovered classics like Anna Karenina and discovered new books like Jonathan Franzen’s latest novel, Freedom. Now, Oprah will announce on November 21 the newest book to be inducted into her famous club, Oprah’s Book Club.

The Gospel According to Oprah.“It just came to me one day as I was in the South Pacific trying to choose an island to buy,” Oprah said in an interview with Ponderings From Pluto correspondent C.F. Twob. “As I was traveling, I felt divine inspiration coming over me. I suppose that is also what Matthew, Mark, Luke and John felt. And then I saw visions of Jesus announcing that everybody listening to His Sermon on the Mount would be given brand-new chariots. I imagined him also feeding the thousands with fish prepared by His own personal chef and handing out his Favorite Things to the needy.”

 

Only the select, chosen few books go into Oprah’s Book Club, the Medal of Honor of the literary world.

Oprah went to a nearby outdoor café and sat down and wrote her account of Jesus’ time on earth. She estimated it took about two hours to write.

Winfrey feels her “gospel” would help to enhance the other Gospels by properly depicting Jesus as a politically-active pious man instead of just a man who came to earth, was born of a virgin, worked as a humble carpenter, performed miracles, taught disciples, healed the sick, raised the dead, fed the hungry, was wrongly crucified, died for the sins of all mankind, then was buried, rose again and returned back to heaven after giving His disciples instructions on how to run the early church.

Did she have any help writing this book?

“No! Of course not!” she replied. “It all came to me in a single draft. I did not receive any help from Stedman or from by best friend, Gayle. It was all written by me, and as is the case when you’re writing under divine inspiration, the first draft was absolutely perfect.”

Among the exclusive excerpts Ponderings From Pluto has obtained:

Oprah 1:15: “And I, Oprah, do speak of the wonderful words the Lord Jesus Christ has given me and do diligently write them down.”

Oprah 5:17: (Jesus is delivering the Sermon on the Mount) “To them who seek me, to those I give not only everlasting life, but also my favorite things.”

Oprah 19:29: “And Jesus said unto them, ‘Woe unto you, Republicans and hypocrites! For you suppress the poor and force them to work a long, 40-hour week to earn a living! Hellfire awaits you!”

There has been speculation that Oprah will have her gospel available in five primary English versions: King James Version-style, New King James Version-style, New International Version-style, New American Standard Version-style and the New Ebonics Version-style.

Oprah will make The Gospel According to Oprah available for free to her November 21 audience, and it will soon be available for sale through her website. People can either purchase leather-bound editions, hard cover or paperless computer downloads. She also plans, by Spring 2011, to have an Oprah Study Bible available where her gospel would be included among the other 66 books of the Bible. And, yes, it will also be one of the items available in her 2011 Oprah’s Favorite Things collection.

What plans does she have for the original manuscript?

“I wrote this book on legal notepads using a $175 Waterman fountain pen,” she said. “The manuscript itself is locked in a private vault inside one of my 84 mansions.”

There has been no word yet from Protestant or Catholic leaders on whether they will accept Oprah’s gospel into the Biblical cannon. Pope Benedict XVI is said to be very doubtful, as is Joel Osteen. Pat Robertson revealed on The 700 Club that the Lord told him Chicago (Oprah’s adopted hometown) would suffer some sort of terrible natural disaster because of Oprah’s blasphemy.

Noted religious skeptic Bill Maher was skeptical of Oprah.

“I suppose next she’ll claim to be god and will want all her mindless followers to worship her,” he scoffed. “Even Jerry Falwell didn’t stoop to such stupidity.”

Do you plan to read The Gospel According to Oprah? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.


Excerpts of Bush autobiography ‘Decision Points’ leaked to Ponderings From Pluto

November 4, 2010

Ponderings From Pluto has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush’s eagerly-anticipated autobiogaphy Decision Points. The book will be released on November 9.

The book deals with Bush’s eight years as president as well as his earlier years growing up in West Texas and attending college at Yale University.

Bush declined PFP correspondent C.F. Twob’s request for an interview, saying he will soon be traveling around the country promoting his book and that he prefers his cell phone number to remain completely private. Bush did not respond to Twob’s request to do a phone interview from a phone booth.

Among the more interesting excerpts of Decision Points:

* During his sophomore year at Yale University, Bush’s “C” average prompted his parents, George H.W. and Barbara Bush, to consider having him transfer from Yale to Bee County College (now Coastal Bend College), a junior college near Beeville, Texas, in an effort to take easy classes and get his grades up to the upper-B range. Bush remembered his Dad prophetically joking with him: “You can’t expect to be President of the United States someday with a ‘C’ average!”  

* Bush’s favorite comedian is Frank Caliendo, and Bush once laughed so hard at Caliendo’s Bush impersonation that former First Lady Laura Bush was worried her husband would develop a hernia;

* He often referred to Al Gore as “Al Snore” and called Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth documentary the perfect cure for insomnia;

* To better develop his accent, Bush spent five years as a teenager and young adult shedding his Connecticut accent and developing his West Texas twang;

* Last year, Bush secretly invited longtime Oprah Winfrey boyfriend Stedman Graham to his Crawford, Texas ranch. Graham confided in Bush and he (Stedman) and Oprah had a huge fight in 2007 when he admitted to her his darkest secret–that he voted for President Bush. Twice.

* Concerned about the health of vice president Dick Cheney, Bush unsuccessfully tried to recruit Chuck Norris to be his running mate in the 2004 elections. Norris also declined Bush’s request to run for president in 2008;

* He and Laura discovered in 2006 that the columns of frequent Bush critic Molly Ivins and copies of The New York Times made the most effective housebreaking tools for their dogs.

Post comments here or e-mail them at ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.


Vice President Joe Biden to become a Republican

November 3, 2010

Apparently, President Barack Obama believes in that old adage, “With friends like you, who needs enemies?”

Obama, sources tell Ponderings From Pluto, has quietly told Vice President Joe Biden that if Biden wants to be on Obama’s 2012 re-election ticket, he will have to change his party affiliation from Democrat to Republican.

 

Would the GOP be glad to have Biden?

The sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, added that Obama has greatly been perturbed by Biden’s public gaffes, including the latest saying in an interview that the GOP has spent $200 billion on campaigns to help Republicans win upcoming races and re-take the House and Senate.

We suspect he meant to say $200 million and apparently has been watching the Austin Powers movies where Dr. Evil holds the world hostage for a laughably-small ransom and then travels back in time and holds the world hostage for a laughably-large ransom.

In the past, among his many gaffes, Biden has also disclosed a top-secret location of the vice presidential bunker, suggested Americans suspend all airplane travel during the Swine Flu scare, taken credit for the successes the Iraq and Afghanistan surges after insisting in the campaign that both had been complete failures, asked a wheelchair-bound man to stand up, dropped F-bombs loud and clear in live microphones and claimed to have invented wireless internet service.

There have also been rumors that First Lady Michelle Obama refused to talk to Biden for several weeks after he joked to her that she should grow cotton in her White House garden.

“The way I see it, if Joe is going to continue to be ‘Crazy Joe’ and say and do bizarre things, I should minimize my losses and have him become a Republican,” President Obama said at a recent press conference. “This is the only way I would consider asking him to run again with me in 2012.”

Why keep Biden on the ticket if he says so many embarrassing things?

“Because he’s funny,” the president replied. “This job is far tougher than I’d imagined, and everyday I wonder what I got myself into, but Joe often brings me greatly-needed comic relief. And his gaffes take all the focus off my gaffes.”

Biden has said if he converts to the GOP, he will be a “Blue Dog Republican”.

Many conservatives wonder why the media continue giving a free pass to Biden, arguing that the media should apologize for its magnification of former vice president Dan Quayle’s gaffes.

Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.