U.S. Army to consider new enlisted rank–Private Major

November 27, 2012

Seeing a need for adequate leadership and representation among the junior enlisted soldiers, the U.S. Army is considering adopting a new enlisted rank.

Private Major.

“The U.S. Army feels that the junior enlisted need to have a way to address their issues and concerns, along with leadership to encourage more to re-enlist and to even consider the Army a career,” said Command Sergeant Major Larry Gillman.

Specifically, the Army is considering two ranks of private major:

Command Private Major (CPM) — In charge of all junior enlisted on a particular base (Fort Sill, Okla.) or, given the circumstances, a particular unit (First Cavalry Division).

Private Major of the Army (PMA) — The highest-ranking junior enlisted soldier in the Army. He or she would outrank all CPMs. The PMA would be stationed at U.S. Army headquarters in Washington, D.C. and would travel around consulting with CPMs regarding Army policy.

Gillman added that the private majors’ rank would be an E-3, although the PMA is being considered to have an E-4 ranking. Maximum time in service allowed for private major is six months. Following service, the privates major would then be promoted to E-5 sergeant.

Post comments here or e-mail ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.


Instant replay available in MLB in 2013–for Yankees only

November 14, 2012

THE BRONX, N.Y. — Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced on Wednesday that instant replay will be available for baseball in the 2013.

But, it will be exclusively for the New York Yankees only.

“We are making instant replay exclusively accessible to the Yankees so we can study it more acutely to determine if the rest of baseball would benefit from it,” Selig said in a statement at Yankee Stadium. “I am confident the rest of baseball will understand this decision.”

The decision did not set well with the Baltimore Orioles.  

“They should either make instant replay available for all teams, or for none of them!” said Davey Johnson, who managed the Orioles during the infamous 1996 season when, during Game 1 of the American League Championship Series against the Yankees, a fly ball that Yankee fan Jeffrey Maier reached out into the field of play to catch was ruled a home run instead of fan interference.

Would it have been ruled fan interference had instant replay been used?

“Absolutely,” Johnson replied.

The decision to give the Yankees exclusive use of instant replay is one the Bronx Bombers have applauded.

“This is a wonderful decision,” said Hank Steinbrenner, current part-owner of the Yankees and son of the late longtime Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. “I mean, we’ve won 27 World Series but none since 2009. This three-year drought is absolutely unacceptable and a complete embarrassment. If my father were alive, heads would roll. We intend to use instant replay as often as possible to ensure we win as many games as possible.”

(Note: Ponderings From Pluto did not bother asking the Boston Red Sox their opinion of this ruling since the answer would’ve been both unprintable and obvious)

Is it fair for the Yankees be given exclusive use of instant replay? Post comments here or e-mail ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

U.N. tries to decide: Gadhafi? Qaddafi? Khaddaffee? Kadhafhi?

March 23, 2011

Amid all the turmoil going on in Libya, the United Nations held an emergency meeting regarding the status of Libyan leader Colonel Muammar al-Gadhafi.

Officials are working on a resolution, but it has nothing to do with asking the colonel to step down from power. Instead, they are trying to decide one critical issue.

How the heck should his surname be spelled?

In Arabic, the colonel’s surname is rendered this way:


The above is pronounced “Al-Gadhafi”.

Or Al-Qaddaffee, or El-Khadhafhi, or Al-Kadddafffeee.

“Because Arabic has so many dialects and so many ways of pronouncing the same letter, we are working hard around the clock to properly determine how to spell Colonel Gadhafi’s surname,” said U.N. secretary general Kofi Annan in an exclusive interview with Ponderings From Pluto. “We are trying to agree on a single, romanized universal spelling to help out the newspapers, websites and bloggers out there. Some say Gadhafi, others Qaddafi, some say Khaddaffee.”

Some say tomayto, others say tomahto.

Annan instead referred non-Arab-speakers to this chart:

PFP tried to reach Gadhafi for comment but encountered two problems: PFP correspondent C.F. Twob does not speak Arabic and has no idea whether Gadhafi is still alive or if what is seen on the news is mummified version of him.

The U.N. hopes to reach an agreement on the colonel’s name by the end of the week.

Post comments here or e-mail them to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

New dogbreed: Chi-dane-dane or Great Mexican?

March 16, 2011

Officials with the American Kennel Club are trying to decide what to call the new breed of dog that is, somehow, a cross between the tiny Chihuahua and the very large Great Dane.

Some day Chi-dane-dane while others suggest Great Mexican.

Love at first sight.

Besides the name the question is: how?

“It took a lot of trial and error,” said Marty Samson, a canine researcher with the University of South Texas. “At first, we tried having a Great Dane impregnate a Chihuahua, but that didn’t work: the puppies’ heads were bigger than the Chihuahua mother. We tried to deliver the puppies through Caesarian section four weeks early, but they were not viable enough to survive on their own.”

Neither the Great Mexicans/Chi-dane-danes nor their Chihuahua mother survived, leading Samson to conclude the only way to breed the dogs was to have a male Chihuahua mate with a female Great Dane.

Samson’s team had to erect a ladder for the male to climb since, even with the female Great Dane laying on the ground, his climbing on top of her was similar to an adult man having to climb a small structure.

“The male dog had a very difficult time, especially with the female Great Dane barking and looking at him as if not really sure of why he was trying to, um, mate with her,” Samson said. “We had to finally give her anesthesia which helped her relax and greatly lowered her inhibitions. She probably thought of it as a drunk, one-night stand.”

The female Great Dane then was pregnant and carried four puppies to term.

The puppies then had to be fed with a bottle since, once they were delivered, their mother did not know what to think of them. Some had problems opening their mouths wide enough to suckle from the teats.

Thankfully, the litter was two boys and two girls, and they will then breed with each other to see if they can then create a new breed.

The Chi-dane-danes/Great Mexicans have the large heads of the Great Danes but are roughly twice the size of a Chihuahua. This is good, since having the head of the big breed and the body of a smaller breed would cause serious equilibrium issues.

What will these dogs be used for? Show dogs? Guard dogs? Crime-solving dogs with large appetites exclusively for Taco Bell food? It’s hard to say.

Post comments here or e-mail ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

Indianapolis stores to start selling ‘Peyton Manning Slump Awareness’ ribbons and wristbands

December 8, 2010

Throughout the years we’ve seen many awareness ribbons.

Red ribbons for AIDS awareness.

Pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness.

Blue ribbons for prostate and colon cancer awareness.

There have also been rubber wristbands for autism, ADHD, cancer, domestic violence and other things to be aware about.

Years ago on his talk show, Rush Limbaugh even facetiously promoted a marbled green ribbon, fashioned after what looked like U.S. currency, to promote Federal Deficit Awareness.

And now in Indianapolis and in the rest of Indiana, Indianapolis Colts fans will soon be able to wear royal blue-and-white ribbons and rubber wristbands to promote a new form of awareness.

Peyton Manning Slump Awareness.

The quarterback, considered one of the most intelligent to ever play the game due to his bizarre audible calls that only his offensive line seems to understand and due to his penchant for doing recreational calculus on the sidelines when the Colts are comfortably in the lead, has been mired in a slump. In a recent game against the Dallas Cowboys, he threw four interceptions. The last one set up Dallas’ game-winning field goal in overtime. He also threw four interceptions the week before against the San Diego Chargers and three against the hated New England Patriots. He has thrown 11 interceptions in his last three games after having thrown just two in his first seven. The Colts are 6-6 on the season.

Peyton Manning is playing so poorly, some might start confusing him with “Cryin'” Ryan Leaf.

“We are doing this as a way to help Peyton get out of his slump and to get the Colts back on the winning track,” said Jimmy Sanderson, an Indiana businessman who is financing the $25,000 venture to produce the ribbons and bands. “We want our old Peyton back, particularly from the year he and the Colts won the Super Bowl.”

The ribbons will, of course, be shaped like the Colts’ horseshoe logo.

The wristbands will be blue emblazoned with white horseshoes and alternating with Manning’s jersey number, 18.

Manning spoke to Ponderings From Pluto correspondent C.F. Twob and said he was “touched” by the gesture and even plans to have Sanderson manufacture him some special wristbands to further promote the awareness.

“It’s great to know the fans have my back and aren’t booing me or calling on me to be benched or traded,” Manning said. “I hope this slump ends soon–especially with the off-season contract negotiations I’m facing.”

Sanderson added that once the manufacturing costs are paid, all proceeds from the Manning Slump Awareness campaign will to the quarterback’s favorite charities.

Will Manning break out of this slump? Do you plan to buy a wrist band or bracelet? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.


Jerry Jones searches for a new Dallas Cowboys coach

November 18, 2010


At Ponderings From Pluto, we suspect that Jerry Jones would love to hire this man as the Dallas Cowboys’ new head coach.

Well, fellow Dallas Cowboy fans, we can stick a fork into this season of the Cowboys. With Wade Phillips finally being shown the door, we have Jason Garrett as the interim coach. Is he a permanent solution? It will depend on how the team does the rest of the season. My guess is Garrett will become so stressed he’ll turn into a 10-pack a day chain smoker. Unfiltered, of course.

Ponderings From Pluto suspects that not only is Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones looking for a new head coach, he probably has already made some calls…

Call Number One
Bill Cowher: Hello?
Jerry Jones: Bill? Jerry Jones here. How are you?
Cowher: Enjoying retirement.
Jones: Bill, what would it take for you to become the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys?

Cowher: Depends. Would you ever step down as general manager?

Jones: When pigs fly. Now, what I need to know is this: would I ever be able to hire a proven winner like you and keep my job as general manager?

Cowher: When pigs fly…

Call Number Two

Troy Aikman: Hello?

Jones: Troy? Jerry here. How are you?

Aikman: (confused) Jerry Who? Jerry Lewis?

Jones: When have you ever known Jerry Lewis to have an Arkansas drawl?

Aikman: Jerry Rice?

Jones: No, this isn’t Jerry Rice. Let me give you a hint: you used to play football for me.

Aikman: Oh! Now I remember! Long time no hear, Jimmy!

Jones: Jimmy?!

Aikman: Yeah! You’re Jimmy Johnson, right?

Jones: (exasperated) No, Troy, I’m Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. I was going to make you a great job offer, but I think I’ll pass now. Clearly, you’ve had one concussion too many.


Rhonda Aikman, Troy’s wife: Honey, who was that on the phone?

Aikman: (laughs) It was my old boss, Jerry Jones. He was going to ask me if I wanted to coach the Dallas Cowboys, but I figured if I pretended to still suffer the side-effects of concussions, he’d quit pestering me. Someone’s going to have to pry the general manager position from his cold, dead hands before I’d even consider being Dallas’ head coach…

Call Number Three

Jon Gruden: Hello?

Jerry Jones: Hello, Jon. Jerry Jones here. How are you–?

Gruden: You’re offering me the head coaching job of the Cowboys, aren’t you?

Jones: Yes! I think you’d be a great fit.

Gruden: No.

Jones: You don’t want to coach the Cowboys?

Gruden: I’d love to coach the Cowboys, but right now, it’s not a good fit.

Jones: Why not?

Gruden: Because you’re the general manager.

Jones: What’s wrong with that?

Gruden: Jerry, I’ve already worked for one clueless, meddling owner in Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders. Once was enough for me…

So, finally, Jerry gets desperate and makes a “Hail Mary” call…

Call Number Four

Jimmy Johnson: Hello?

Jerry Jones: Jimmy! Jerry. How are you?

Johnson: Not bad. Just looking at a deal to endorse hair spray.

Jones: Listen, as you know, I had to fire Wade Phillips as head coach of the Cowboys.

Johnson: Since I work on Fox’s NFL show, I sort of knew that already.

Jones: Well, as I’ve been brainstorming, I was wondering if you would be interested in coaching the Dallas Cowboys again.

[Half an hour later, after Jimmy Johnson finally quits laughing, he wipes tears away and takes a deep breath]

Johnson: Jerry, you’ll never have another Super Bowl win until you fire yourself as general manager and hire a real GM and a real coach. Working once with you as the GM was more than enough for me…

So, finally, Jones calls up NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and asks this question: “Mr. Goodell, would the rules permit me to hire myself as the head coach?” 

Would you want to coach the Dallas Cowboys? Should Jerry Jones try to contact Tom Landry via a séance? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.

FOX to debut new reality show in 2011: ‘Yesterday’s Stars’

November 16, 2010

Ever wonder how “yesterday’s stars” like Miss Cleo and Andrew Dice Clay cope with not being famous anymore and what it’s like when they realize their dream is over?

If so, you’ll receive your answer when FOX in 2011 unleashes its newest reality show Yesterday’s Stars.

This program will feature Miss Cleo and Clay, along with Marc Price (“Skippy” on Family Ties) and Peter Scolari (Bosom Buddies and then Newhart) as they cope with the reality that they are not even D-List famous anymore and that it’s time to stick a fork in their entertainment careers, return home and get nine-to-five jobs.

Miss Cleo, born Youree Dell Harris in California, passed herself off as a Caribbean shaman before she was proven to be a fraud.

Youree Harris, a.k.a., “Miss Cleo”, in happier times when she didn’t care that her left earring was missing.

Clay, who famously sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row as a successful, raunchy comedian, has been rumored to be managing gyms.

CAUTION: extreme profanity

Scolari co-starred on Bosom Buddies with Tom Hanks, but unlike Hanks, Scolari’s career never seemed to take off.

One unconfirmed report said he was working the drive-thru at a Los Angeles-area In-and-Out fast food restaurant. As for Price, he had been doing community theater after several futile attempts at a guest spot on Spin City when Family Ties alumnus Michael J. Fox was on the show.

According to executive producer Simon Cowell, the format of Yesterday’s Stars will include:

* An intervention in which the celebrity must come to grips with not being famous or wealthy anymore

* Classes on balancing your checkbook, buying your own groceries and paying for your own meals at restaurants

* What to do when you no longer can afford an entourage or even to hire one single personal assistant

* Developing interpersonal skills necessary for negotiating with telephone and utility companies when your bills are past due and they threaten to disconnect your service, or when you have to talk to your landlord or landlady and explain to them your rent will be late

* Shopping at Walmart, Costco and even at Dollar Tree and, if necessary, rummage sales and Goodwill

* Handling anxiety attacks when nobody recognizes you anymore.

“It was pretty humiliating the first week,” Scolari recalled, joking that he hopes this show will, ironically, give his career a boost. “This is my last resort: I had wanted to be cast as Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds since Tarantino is famous for jump-starting acting careers, but he told me I wasn’t right for that part, or for the part of Aldo Raines, Dieter Hellstrom, the part Austin Powers [Mike Myers] got, the part of Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler or even of Shoshanna.”

Shoshanna Dreyfus, the French Jewess who passes herself off as Gentile Frenchwoman Emanuelle Mimieux?

“Yep,” Scolari replied. “I had plenty of experience as a man passing himself off as a woman on Bosom Buddies, so I thought it would work.”

Ponderings From Pluto’sC.F. Twob reported that the intervention scene with Andrew Dice Clay (real name: Andrew Silverstein) was particularly ugly since Clay still insists he’s never set foot inside a Gold’s Gym, much less managed one.

Do you plan to watch Yesterday’s Stars? Post comments here or drop a line to ponderingsfrompluto@gmail.com.