Extraterrestrial aliens tell astronomers: QUIT looking for us!

December 5, 2012


You might remember how, in 1977, both Voyager space probes launched from earth contained the above gold-covered copper plates. The plates contained greetings in various earth languages and served as some sort of time capsule. Assuming someone finds it in the distant future (that likelihood is comparable to Justin Bieber relaunching his career as a rock-and-roll frontman whose career eventually results in enshrinement in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame), those who find it will learn about earth culture and where earth is in the galaxy.

Ostensibly, the records were sent out in an effort to find extraterrestrial life.

And now, they appear to have hit paydirt.

Unfortunately, the response seems to be: “QUIT searching for us!”

Astronomers recently received a message from an extraterrestrial civilization that is based out of the Andromeda Galaxy. (That galaxy is about 2.5 million light years away, far beyond the reaches of where the Voyagers currently are, but the aliens have declined to say how they still found the Voyager probes).

Here is the extraterrestrials’ message to earth:

“People from earth: do not bother responding to this message. This will be a one-time message. Any further response from you will be neither acknowledged nor answered.

“Yes, yes, yes, there is extraterrestrial life in the universe. LOTS of it. Earth is but an uncivilized civilization in comparison. We are well-read, civilized intellectuals while you are all slimy, amoebas.

“For a while we have listened to your transmissions, and what we have seen and heard has convinced us it is not in our best interests to interact with you.

“Your famous musician, Frank Zappa, once said in an intercepted interview that stupidity, NOT hydrogen, is the most abundant substance in the universe. This is absolutely true of earth and is indicative of why we wish no contact with you. We view your stupidity as a virus that would only contaminate us.

 frank zappa

Frank Zappa, 1940-1993

“Still, in honor of Zappa’s astute analysis, we are planning on naming a soon-to-be-formed galaxy in his honor and memory. The stars in that galaxy will bear the names of his children and his songs and the planets will bear the names of his lyrics.

“So, again, leave us alone and QUIT trying to find us.

“Very disrespectfully, an extraterrestrial race from the Andromeda Galaxy.”

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