Barack Obama to alter name to appeal to Irish voters

July 23, 2008

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

In an effort appeal to Irish voters–a perceived large voting block in America–Democratic presidential candidate-to-be Barack Obama has announced that he will be running some campaign ads with an altered spelling on his name.

Barack Obama will become Barack O’Bama.

“I’m being forced to do this since my opponent, John McCain, has an Irish surname,” O’Bama told Ponderings from Pluto. “I feel this gives him an unfair advantage over me. It’s imperative I get as many Irish votes as possible, especially in areas that aren’t traditionally democrat.”

O’Bama, who wore a kelly green necktie to go with his black suit, dismissed reports that he will be running in Alabama as Barack O. Bama, to capitalize on the University of Alabama’s popular “Bama” nickname.

McCain’s spokesman, Seamus O’Callahan, wearing a kelly green suit and a black necktie, accused O’Bama of “pandering” for votes. He told PFP: “What the senator is doing is absolutely ridiculous. When it comes to a set of beliefs, I think Obama still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. Our goal is that when the voters consider the issue, they’ll see that nothing compares to Senator McCain.”


‘Weird Al’ Yankovic to release a new single; song ‘Busy Being Fabio’ parody of The Eagles’ ‘Busy Being Fabulous’

July 16, 2008

By C.F. Twob
Ponderings from Pluto staff writer

Musical parody artist “Weird Al” Yankovic has announced that he will soon be making available for download a new song.

His new song, “Busy Being Fabio”, is a parody of The Eagles’ recent hit “Busy Being Fabulous”.

Yankovic, notorious for taking popular songs and turning them into funny ballads about food, romances that end in bloodshed and television, said that though his next album’s not going to be out until 2009 at the earliest, he wanted to release this new song as a single for fear that it and its contents would quickly become dated.

“As I heard the news reports of Fabio almost kicking George Clooney’s butt at that restaurant, the song just came to me,” Yankovic said in an exclusive interview with Ponderings from Pluto. “Some songs take work while some practically write themselves.”

Yankovic also revealed that he had tried twice in the past to do parodies of songs by The Eagles. He had intended to turn the 1972 hit “Take It Easy” into “Cut the Cheesy” and the iconic 1976 hit “Hotel California” into “Satan Eats Cheese Whiz at the Hotel California”. Both times he was turned down.

In a statement, The Eagles explained why they finally gave their blessing to Yankovic: “We’re older and more mellow now, so we figured, why not? Besides, we’re all big fans of Fabio and eat as much I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! as we can.”

Yankovic explained that the song is about Fabio’s wife or girlfriend and her frustrations with Fabio constantly being gone to work as a model, pose for trashy romance novel covers, promote butter or beat up snobby actors.

The parody artist, whose most recent album the 2006 Straight Outta Lynwood has been certified gold, has agreed to allow the lyrics to be posted here on PFP.

Busy Being Fabio

Parody of Busy Being Fabulous
By The Eagles

So tired of living in an empty house
Because you’re busy with your career
“Don’t wait up for me tonight”
Is all I ever seem to hear

Always so busy as a professional model
Posing for covers of romance books
All you ever seem to really care about
Are your long hair, thick Italian accent and good looks

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

You’re never at home anymore
I learned of your amusement park accident from a Globe reporter
I swear the only time I ever see you is on TV
Your commercials always make me shudder
As you say you can’t believe it’s not butter

How I wish we could have some time to spend with you
To have a cappuccino and share a sunrise
But instead of getting to kiss you
I have to compete with all your adoring female fans

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

I used to think the macho act was just so phony
A silly scam to make lots of money
But then I heard about your encounter with George Clooney
He was being rude to one of your young female friends,
I think her name was Oliva
You roughed him up and said you thought he was a nice guy,
And to stop being a diva.

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

Brian Nichols is innocent: his ‘murders’ are protected by the First Amendment

July 8, 2008

By C.F. Twob
Columnist, Ponderings from Pluto

Yes, we know that on March 11, 2005 at Atlanta’s Fulton County Courthouse, Brian Nichols overpowered a 51 year-old police officer and took her weapon. We also know that he fatally shot Judge Rowland W. Barnes and court reporter Julie Brandau along with police Sergeant Hoyt Teasley. He is also suspected of murdering U.S. Customs Agent David Wilhelm.

But, come on, just because he fatally shot the four doesn’t make him guilty of murder. As crazy as it seems, Nichols is innocent of these four murders, even though all the evidence points to him having committed them.


Murder is the taking of human life. Nichols wasn’t trying to kill these people. He was merely trying to express himself.

Think about it. Nichols, a 36 year-old who had initially been facing rape and false imprisonment charges, was merely taking the weapon and going on a shooting rampage to express the frustration he obviously felt from going from a six-figure computer engineering job to a life that would likely be spent mostly behind bars. It’s despairing, isn’t it? It’s really not much different from an artist who, in a fit of anger, hurls paint at a canvas to express anger over running out of Prussian Blue paint or the loss of a wealthy benefactor. Or think about the rock star who trashes a room to express outrage over running out of groupies to, um, well, you know.

Simply put, Nichols’ rampage is constitutionally-protected free speech, as permitted by the First Amendment. We use government money to fund art consisting of crucifixes in urine or pictures of the Virgin Mary made from elephant poop, and we allow pornography to be protected by the First Amendment—why not the this extreme expression of frustration by a disillusioned young man?

With each kill, Nichols was trying to express himself regarding the injustices in society. Consider each of them:

The death of Judge Barnes: Oh, this is a can of worms, isn’t it? Just think of all the terrible judges we’ve read about or seen: Judge Roy Bean (an Old West judge who once fined a dead man for carrying a concealed weapon), Judge Lance Ito, the judges from that infamous 9th Circuit Court, Judge Judy and the other celebrity judges like Joseph Wapner and, of course, Judge Reinhold. What better way to protest an unjust illegal system than to spill a judge’s blood?

The death of court reporter Brandau: The legal system’s compilation of messes would be minimal if not for the court reporters who do such a terrible job keeping transcripts. If only they would fudge on the stenography once in a while, perhaps criminals could get fairer trials. By “fair”, I mean, of course, a trial where they are acquitted.

The death of Sergeant Teasley: We know that all cops are pigs, so Nichols shot him to express frustration over how crooked cops get away with just about anything (otherwise known as “You’ve got a broken taillight” syndrome). You’ve heard of people who bleed “like a stuck pig”, well, there you have it. Teasley, as a cop, was a pig, and Nichols wanted to make him bleed to symbolically show how much bloodshed crooked cops (a redundant term of there ever was one) have caused.

The death of U.S. Customs Agent Wilhelm: Since Wilhelm was a federal agent, Nichols felt a need to demonstrate his frustration at the federal government. Namely, to protest the Patriot Act and all the injustice and bureaucracy it has brought. Some call for an abolishment of federal government and for each state to govern themselves autonomously, and this was what Nichols accomplished. One federal agent down, only a few hundred million to go. And if you think Nichols’ war on the feds is a new thing, think again. About 140 years ago, we fought a war over it called the Civil War.

There you have it. Brian Nichols is innocent. He wasn’t committing murder, but rather just using extreme acts of violence as a First Amendment-protected form of free expression.