Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon split; Robbins makes Shawshank Redemption-style escape

December 25, 2009

Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are going their separate ways.

Actor/political activists Tim Robbins and Sarandon have split up after being an unwedded couple for 23 years.

The two actually split this past summer, but news of the couple’s no longer being happily unmarried finally leaked as a result of Robbins’ escape from the home the two shared in New York.

When the couple decided to part ways this past summer, Robbins chose to leave the relationship by spending several months using a tiny rock hammer to tunnel through the foundation of the couple’s home.

He finally made it through earlier this week and saw that the hole he’d tunneled, a la his character’s escape in The Shawshank Redemption, led directly into a sewage pipe that drained from the home.

We’re guessing Robbins is pretty excited about his new-found freedom.

That pipe, as luck would have it, led 500 yards (or “just shy of half a mile”, as Morgan Freeman’s character erroneously estimated in the 1994 film). (Five hundreds is actually 1,500 feet, or about 28% of a mile).

Spending several hours vomiting and crawling his way through the pipe, just a few days ago Robbins made his way to freedom.

However, instead of cleaning up and closing accounts in several banks, Robbins plans to settle in one of the other homes the couple had together as he and Sarandon sort out their possessions and resolve an amicable split.

The two first began their relationship after meeting while filming Bull Durham.


Van Halen fires Roth, hires Wolfgang Van Halen as lead singer

December 18, 2009

Father and son, together again. And again.

They said it wouldn’t last between David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen, and they were right.

In a statement released today, Van Halen has announced it’s parting ways with on-again, off-again lead singer David Lee Roth and is hiring yet another new lead singer.

“After much discussion, it’s once again become aware that there are far too many creative differences for David and Eddie and Alex and Wolfgang to peacefully co-exist in the band,” Eddie said, in a statement prepared by his wife, Janie Liszewski-Van Halen. “We wish him well and hope his solo career is just like paradise.”

Sources say Roth’s deteriorating voice is the main factor for the split. Reportedly, in one recording session for the band’s upcoming album Encore, Dave was so off-key that he shattered the three-inch thick plexiglas window that separates the main studio from the room where Alex lays down his drum tracks.

“The glass went everywhere and cut up Wolfie pretty badly,” Janie said about her stepson. “Thank goodness for that first aid kit we keep in the 5150 studio.”

With Dave gone, Eddie and Alex have decided to make the band a three-some and entirely Van Halen.

In other words, Wolfgang Van Halen will now be the bassist and the lead singer.

“We think he can pull it off,” Eddie said. “He has the Van Halen genes for music and the Bertinelli genes for performing.”

Of course, Eddie’s referring to his ex-wife Valerie Bertinelli, who co-starred with Bonnie Franklin and MacKenzie Phillips on One Day at a Time and has a long list of TV movies to her credit.

Van Halen is still planning to have out its new album, Encore, by October 2010.


December 17, 2009

…Professional smoker Sean Penn cursing Michigan’s new anti-smoking law and vowing to never set foot in the Great Lakes State…”We’re the new Friday the 13th,Saw star Tobin Bell…Wil Wheaton lobbying producers of 24 to give him one scene where he lands a solid punch on Kiefer Sutherland’s character to avenge the torment Sutherland gave him while filming Stand By Me…Management at Saginaw, Mich.’s 96.1 WHNN wondering if in 2010, they should start playing Christmas music after the Fourth of July weekend. “Waiting until November’s really too late,” one person said…”You know, to be PERFECTLY honest, Seinfeld wasn’t really funny. At all. I don’t know how we stayed on the air for one season, let alone nine,” Jerry Seinfeld after having one round too many at a Manhattan bar…

Phil ‘Lefty’ Mickelson caught playing golf right-handed

December 9, 2009

In a move that could possibly ruin his career, professional golfer Phil Mickelson has been caught doing something his fans and sponsors might find reprehensible.

Playing golf right-handed.

Mickelson is actually a natural righthander who plays golf left-handed.

Formerly southpaw golfer Phil Mickelson may end up being nicknamed “Sellout” instead of “Lefty”.

National Enquirer, Star and People magazine, along with celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton, all claim to have video footage of Lefty taking swings right-handed. Mickelson can be seen driving, wedging, chipping and putting right-handed.

“How could he possibly do this?” asked one longtime left-handed fan. “I’ve always admired him for being a left-handed golfer in a mostly-righthanded sport, and now he’s betrayed us!”

Mickelson recently told Ponderings from Pluto’s C.F. Twob that he wanted to expand his game by playing golf from his natural side. Still, that isn’t setting well with his fans. Many are calling on boycotts of Mickelson while others believe sponsors should drop him. Barclays’ has already dropped him while Crowne Plaza and KPMG are considering doing so.

“Phil’s decision to betray his southpaw ways is a betrayal,” said People for the Equal Treatment of Lefthanders president Stanley Mills. “We’re issuing an ultimatum: return to southpaw golf or risk our wrath.

Mills said he would work feverishly to ensure that Mickelson lost all his sponsorship on the PGA tour, and that he fell into the same disgrace that Tiger Woods currently endures.

Mickelson has won The Masters tournament twice.

PETA asks Laurence Fishburne to change surname to ‘FishFriend’

December 3, 2009

The new star of CSI has a surname that promotes “cruel and unusual punishment” towards fish.

That’s what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have to say about Laurence Fishburne.

Laurence FishFriend?

“At PETA, we are all about protecting the rights of animals and trying to save them from cruel and unusual deaths,” said pop music star and PETA spokesperson Pink. “Mr. Fishburne’s name proves he is no friend whatsoever to animals. We suggest that he legally change his name to show he won’t tolerate the holocaust committed against animals for the sake of human gratification.”

PETA wants Fishburne to legally change his surname to FishFriend.

“We would like to see Mr. Fishburne change his name to GoVeg.com, but we realize that might be a bit extreme,”┬áPink added. “We hope he will show he’s a friend of fish.”

Fishburne’s agent did not return calls seeking comment.

One can conclude Pink won’t be visiting Red Lobster or Long John Silver’s anytime soon.

Sean Penn and member of FBI’s 10 Most Wanted…separated at birth?

December 3, 2009

Separated at birth?

Some think that actor Sean Penn, best known for playing Jeff Spicoli on Fast Times at Ridgemont High, bears a strong resemblance to Jason Derek Brown, who’s currently on the FBI’s 10-Most Wanted List.

YOU decide.