December 28, 2008
Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow has announced he will return for his senior year at Florida.
Tebow, who won the Heisman in his sophomore season and narrowly missed another this season, said the prospect of winning a second Heisman had nothing to do with his decision to not turn pro.
“Quite simply, I am absolutely terrified at the thought of being drafted by the Detroit Lions,” Tebow said. “They face the very-real prospect of having a winless season, and they’re a team going nowhere. I’d like to play for an NFL team where people don’t buy you dinner out of sympathy when they hear who you play for.”
Tebow noted that the Lions also have a second first-round pick in this year’s draft, courtesy of sending disgruntled wide receiver Roy Williams to the Dallas Cowboys for Dallas’ first-round pick in 2009.
He added: “If necessary, I’ll change my major to stay in college.”
December 17, 2008
Recently, Heisman Trophy winner and Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was overheard utter this deep, spiritual prayer:
“Dear Heavenly Father, please, please, please, please don’t let the Detroit Lions draft me! Amen.”
December 4, 2008
In an effort to try to avoid bankruptcy and further encourage a government bailout, General Motors has announced measures designed to decrease red ink and make the Big 3 automaker more financially deficit as it attempts to rebound from its financial woes.
“We feel these measures are crucial if this company is to ever regain respect in the automotive industry,” said CEO Rick Waggoner, who recently announced he was now getting paid one dollar per year in salary while encouraging upper-management executives to take pay cuts.
Among the cost-cutting measures:
* Riding bicycles to work for employees who don’t live far from where they work. “We feel this also helps to reduce their carbon footprint,” Waggoner said.
* Saving old copies of The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Flint Journal and Detroit Free Press to use as toilet paper. Waggoner said this will especially come in handy for the enormous Sunday editions. “Our employees in Detroit like the comics and puzzles in the Detroit News, so we scrapped using that one as toilet paper,” he said.
* Boosting productivity by eliminating bathroom breaks that require urination. Workers are instead encouraged to bring empty bottles to work and sanitary wipes.
* Working “under time”. That is, clocking out for the week after 39 hours are accrued–even if the job’s not done. “We’re asking our workers to put in some free time for the company. It’s tantamount to my working for a dollar a year,” Waggoner said.
Also, to save on energy costs, Waggoner is looking into installing barrels throughout each plant and putting firewood inside them to use as a way of cutting down on natural gas costs. He suggested they use for firewood ash trees cut down after being found infected by the Emerald Ash Borer.
December 1, 2008
Sanders is coming out of retirement?
Saying he is tired of seeing the Lions lose, former Detroit Lion and NFL Hall of Famer Barry Sanders has announced he will end his retirement and return next season to the Detroit Lions.
Sanders, 40, shocked the football world in July 1999 when he announced he was leaving the game while still in his prime, said he has pity on the 0-12 Lions and feels playing for them might somehow motivate them to become a winning team.
The running back added that the dismissal of hapless president Matt Millen further encouraged him to return to the NFL.
“I see my time with the Lions as unfinished business,” Sanders said in a statement faxed to the Wichita Eagle. “I want to help this team win. Bottom line, my reason for making a comeback is simple: my desire to play is greater than my desire not to.”
One has to wonder how easy it will be for Sanders to shake off the rust. We’ll soon find out.