LifeLock CEO divulges even more personal information to prove company’s security against ID theft

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

LifeLock CEO Todd Davis has taken his company’s identity theft protection services even further.

Davis, famous for the TV, print, radio and internet ads that proudly proclaim that his social security number is 457-55-5462, now is so confident in his business’s ability to protect its customers from ID theft that he’s divulging even more information.

In an exclusive to Ponderings from Pluto, Davis is now revealing the following:

His bank account numbers: Primary National Bank of America #6478-998-77, #7940-796-59, #6545-465-75 and #1038-948-70

His mother’s maiden name: Snodgrass

His blood type: U-Negative

His home phone number: 512-554-0000

His birthday: February 6, 1970

Davis also offered to disclose his DNA code, but that would’ve crashed PFP’s web server due to the billions of lines of content.

“I am so confident in LifeLock’s ability to protect from identity theft that I freely share this personal information about myself,” Davis said. “We back our claims with a $1 million guarantee.”

Hillary Clinton to consider Bill Clinton as possible running mate

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

In a move that has surprised some, New York Senator Hillary Clinton is reportedly considering her husband, former president Bill Clinton, as a possible running mate.

Mrs. Clinton, who is seeking the Democratic nomination for the 2008 presidential race, feels that her husband would be the best choice for vice president.

“Mrs. Clinton feels [former North Carolina Senator] John Edwards is too wishy-washy and too girlie, and [Democratic opponent] Barack Obama has made comments about her and her husband recently that she feels are nothing short of unforgivable,” said a source within her campaign.

The source, who’s speaking exclusively to Ponderings from Pluto on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton’s staff is working feverishly, poring over the U.S. Constitution to study the legality of this scenario.

Bill Clinton is barred from running for president again because he served two consecutive terms. However, what is not clear is whether or not he is barred from running for vice president.

“Mrs. Clinton feels her husband would be an excellent addition to her campaign, and since she played a very active role in his presidency, she feels he could do the same for her in her presidency,” the source explained.

Having the former president as Vice President, the source added, would also be environmentally-friendly for America. Since both would occupy the White House, that would eliminate the need for gas, water, electric and other utilities to be run at the Vice Presidential residence.

“As a result, Hillary Clinton’s presidency would leave a much smaller carbon footprint than that of other candidates,” the source explained.

N.Y. Giants sign Peyton Manning to one-game contract; Indy Colts ‘loan’ quarterback

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts may have been knocked out of the playoffs two weeks ago by the San Diego Chargers, but Manning still has a chance at another Super Bowl ring this season.

That’s because the New York Giants have signed Manning to a one-game contract. Peyton, the older brother of Giants starter Eli Manning and the son of former New Orleans Saints quarterback Archie Manning, will serve as back-up for his brother in Super Bowl XLII, which will take place February 3 in Arizona against the heavily-favored New England Patriots.

“It’s really a win-win situation,” said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. “I was concerned that, in the game Eli would be constantly getting calls from his father and brother regarding how to play. Now, with Peyton on the sidelines, this will lessen things.

Coughlin declined to say how much money the Giants had to pay the Colts to “rent” Peyton, who is scheduled to officially rejoin the Colts after the conclusion of the Super Bowl.

Peyton will wear jersey number 16 (the same he wore at the University of Tennessee) since number 18 is already worn by punter Jeff Feagles.

Serving as third string for the Giants will be third-year quarterback Jared Lorenzen. To accommodate Peyton, the normal third-stringer, Anthony Wright, has been placed on injured reserve with an ingrown shoelace.

Barack Obama announces name change

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, one of the frontrunners for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, has announced that, effective February 1, he will be legally changing his name.

The Honolulu-born Obama, whose full name is Barack Hussein Obama al-Honoluluani, will soon be known as Barry Hawkins.

“I have decided that as I run for the highest office in America, it is imperative for me to have a name that sounds more American and less Muslim,” Obama said in a brief statement.

Obama, whose father was Kenyan and who is reported to have practiced Islam in his younger days, is not the first candidate to make a name change. The other Democratic frontrunner, New York Senator Hillary Clinton, has at times gone by Hillary Rodham Clinton. New Mexico governor and former Democratic contender Bill Richardson, whose mother is Hispanic and who grew up in Mexico City, reportedly experimented with being known as Guillermo Richardson López-Collada Márquez.

Obama brushed off accusations that his name change is a gimmick.

“It’s about convenience,” he explained. “Eugene Orowitz became Michael Landon. Joe Yule, Jr. became Mickey Rooney. Lucille LeSueur became Joan Crawford. Lawrence Harvey Zeiger became Larry King. Cheryl Sarkisian LaPiere became Cher. I mean, what is the big deal?”

Barry Hawkins just has a nice ring to it, Obama said.

Martin Sheen, fictional president, announces candidacy for 2008 race

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Fed up with what he describes as a “lousy list of candidates”, actor Martin Sheen is hoping to do in real life what he has done on a fictitious television drama.

Become a successful president.

Sheen, who played President Josiah Bartlet on the NBC drama The West Wing, and President John F. Kennedy in the miniseries Kennedy—The Presidential Years, announced today in an exclusive interview with Ponderings from Pluto that he will run for president in the 2008 election. He is hoping to obtain the Green Party nomination.

The longtime Democrat and political activist said that all the Republican candidates terrify him, and that none of the Democratic frontrunners impress him.

“[President Bush] has done a terrible job of running this country and has alienated the entire world and even a few planets, and there’s no way I’d vote for anyone on the GOP,” said the 67 year-old Sheen, who was born Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez in Dayton, Ohio. “John Edwards is all talk, Barack Obama is far too inexperienced, and Hillary just strikes me and the same old, same old.”

Sheen added: “I played the president for several years on The West Wing, and I honestly don’t think it could be any more difficult.”

If he wins the Green Party nomination, Sheen says he will consider Ralph Nader or Warren Beatty as a running mate.

“America, under even the Democratic control of the House and Senate, is going to hell in a hand basket quickly, and it’s time to do something about it,” Sheen said.

KISS rockEr GEnE Simmons announcEs intEntions to tradEmark thE lEttEr ‘E’

KISS bassist Gene Simmons, the astute businessman who has helped to turn the legendary rock band into a merchandising juggernaut, has announced his latest business venture.

The Israeli-born Simmons, whose birth name is Chaim Witz, issued a press release stating he has successfully trademarked the letter “E”.

“From now on, whenever books, newspapers or Internet Websites use the letter E, they must now pay me a royalty fee of one cent per time,” Simmons said in the statement.

The rocker did say that he would grant an exemption for those who use the letter E in casual conversation, but politicians who use the fifth letter in the alphabet in political speeches must pay five cents per word.

Simmons, who was recently fired from Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, added: “I’ve merchandised everything imaginable with KISS, from crayons to coffins. I’ve gotten bored and needed a new way to make more money. So I thought, why not trademark the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet? This idea could indeed make me the world’s very first trillionaire.” (Simmons is estimated to be worth several hundreds of millions of dollars).

The rocker, who speaks fluent Hebrew, said he is even considering trademarking the Hebrew letter Aleph (א), which is the first letter of its alphabet.

What do Simmons’ family and friends think of his most recent venture? His longtime girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, had this to say: “If Gene weren’t so consumed with making money, maybe he’d finally get around to marrying me!”

Eddie Murphy gets married after all–sort of

Actor/comedian Eddie Murphy, fresh off his second failed “marriage”, announced today that he has indeed gotten married–to himself.

In a small, private civil ceremony in Los Angeles, the Beverly Hills Cop star wedded himself. Attending the ceremony were the judge and two witnesses randomly picked off the street and offered $1,000 to serve in that capacity. Murphy had invited several friends and family members, but when they heard he was marrying himself, they thought the comedian was just joking.

“I didn’t hear that trademark laugh, but I still thought Eddie was being, well, Eddie,” said one friend who declined to be identified. (It was David Chappelle).

The civil ceremony took just over a minute, with the actor asking the judge to “dispense with the pleasantries.” Asked why he married himself, Murphy said this to Ponderings from Pluto reporter/commentator C.F. Twob: “I understand me and I have always loved me. When I looked in the mirror a few days ago, I finally realized just how much I loved me. I think this is a relationship that can work.”

Murphy has been married once and has six children. He recently married again in the South Pacific to Tracey Edmonds (seen above with Murphy during happier times), but it was not a legal ceremony and Murphy later chose not to have an official wedding. Rumors abounded that Edmonds refused to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, while others speculate that Edmonds told Murphy he deserved multiple Razzie nominations for his film Norbit.

Will Murphy make himself sign a pre-nup? “Now, why would I do something crazy like that?” Murphy replied.

Budweiser buys up all the commercials for the Super Bowl

Super Bowl XLII (42 for those of you who hate the Roman empire and think Caligula was one of the worst movies ever made) will take place February 3 out near Phoenix, Ariz., between the Large People of The City Formerly Known as New Amsterdam and the Devout Soldiers of That Territory Formerly Known as the British Colonies. Anheuser Busch, which owns Budweiser, Bud Light, Bud Stupid, Bud Selig and Rosebud, has announced that it has purchased all the commercial time for the big show.

“I won’t rest until every American–newborn to senior citizen–has a bottle of Bud in their hand,” announced Anheuser Busch VII in a statement. “It is our goal and dream for each household to have at least one member who is in advanced stages of cirrhosis of the liver.”

Ponderings from Pluto

My name’s C.F. Twob, and welcome to this blog Ponderings from Pluto!

Yeah, yeah, I know the International Astronomical Union voted in 2006 to demote Pluto to minor planet status. Whatever. To me, it is and will always be a planet. Pluto takes about 248 years to travel around that fiery angry ball called the sun, except that from Pluto’s surface the sun is a small bright point of light in the sky–when it’s not being blocked by Charon, one of three Plutonian moons (Nix and Hydra being the others). A day on Pluto is about six earth-days in length. In other words, if a new day started on Pluto on a Sunday, it would take until Saturday for the next day to begin. If my calcuations are right, a year on Pluto consists of 15,086 “days”. That would be a calendar to see, wouldn’t it?

That being said, Ponderings from Pluto is a satirical look at our world where everything is subject to being viewed from an outrageous, comical perspective. The idea is that this form of satire seems so absurd it could’ve only been conceived from a pondering on tiny distant Pluto. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.